Never good enough; depression and me.

I have struggled with depression for most of my adult life. I spent years on anti-depressants/ anti-anxiety medication. I told myself that I didn't want to be stuck on pills the rest of my life and no longer take them. I told myself that God will get me through anything so I don't need the medicine. For years I have been able to handle my depression/ anxiety on my own. On days like today though, I wonder if not using the medicine is the right decision.

This week, I have had a LOT on my plate. I balanced a number of big activities and was in charge of getting a lot of things done. After working all hours to make these events the best I could, I found myself being criticized by friends over silly little errors. Normally I can shake stuff like this off, but this week my self-doubt is at an all time high. I can't help but feel like I am never going to be good enough. Growing up, my family struggled to show unconditional love. There were clear favorites amongst me and my siblings and we were often pitted against each other in an effort to win our parents affection. I don't think my parents were aware that they did this and I definitely don't hold any feelings of anger toward them over it. Mostly because as an adult I have realized that they also were raised this way. Unfortunately, because of how I was raised and because of my anxiety/ depression issues I have MAJOR struggles with rejection. Criticism on a bad week breaks me down to complete vulnerability. I recognize this, thankfully, and generally try to isolate myself from social media and from being around people that may trigger those feelings. I know that this is MY issue! I hate that I can't control it or "fix" myself. I hate that when I start to feel depressed that my insecurities take over and that no matter what I do or how hard I work, I still allow myself to believe that I will never be good enough. People think I am so strong. They don't know inside that I am really broken and hurting. I pray that God will one day take this burden from me and that I can then feel whole :(

Fervant Chapter 7: Satan stop trying to use my past against me!!!

WOW! Lord I am blown away by your mightiness! You took a time of extreme self-doubt and hurting and turned it into a chance to grow even closer to you. Lord I ask your forgiveness for my gluttony and sloth. I have lived so long defeated telling myself that I am not good enough and that I am defeated. I have believed that I am too far gone for any hope because I have allowed myself to get this far. Lord somehow I forgot that you are stronger and more mighty than any obstacle that Satan may put in my path or that I have allowed to consume me for so long. Lord please forgive me for failing to see this sooner. Today's chapter of Fervant reminded me that I no longer have to live as the girl who is not good enough, not skinny enough or not loved unconditionally. Because I know with great confidence that you see me as beautifully and wonderfully made and you love without condition. I refuse to give Satan any further power over this issue. I will no longer focus on the identity that others have tried and still sometimes try to convince me existed in me for so long. God, I know you have already forgiven my sins of gluttony and sloth and I am so grateful for that. I know that you want me to use my past mistakes and all the hurt that has come with them to be an amazing testimony for You. I choose to walk through this season of my life trusting in Your forgiveness because you have made me an overcomer. I will overcome the label my friends and family placed on me and that I began placing on myself; I will allow only You to define who I am and I will stop believing any of the labels that others may place on me. You created me with purpose, for something much bigger than anyone can ever comprehend. I will use my past as a stepping stone that will only lift me higher and closer to you. I will use my experience to equip my children and others with scripture and knowledge so they can avoid falling into Satan’s trap that he tried to set for me so long ago. I can feel Satan squirming knowing that you have already given me the tools to win this victory. I will live with the knowledge that you have given me from 2Corinthians 5:17 I will remember that with you in my life that I am a new creature, the old has passed away and new things have come! Thank you Lord for giving me this knowledge today and reminding me that I am forgiven and made new. I will make sure I live like that from now on! I pray these things in Jesus Christ's holy and precious name, AMEN.

Walking With Dinosaurs Movie Worksheet and Unit Study

I am a homeschooling mom of 4 great kids. Today we decided to take some down time so the kids watched the movie "Walking with Dinosaurs." I am a Christian mom but not one of those moms that don't allow my children to watch any shows that have evolutionary views. Which this one definitely supports the theory of evolution. Instead of avoiding any books are movies with these fictional theories we take the opportunity to teach our kids to use discernment and biblical support to distinguish between fact and fiction. I made up a worksheet as we watched this movie so the kids had a way to document the assignment. This movie had numerous interesting educational elements. I chose to highlight the ones I knew my kids had not yet learned a great deal about. I made up the worksheet to fit all four kids, though their answers were drastically different. I have kids that are first, fourth, seventh and ninth grades. This was so much fun that I decided to share. We are also are doing a research project along with this worksheet and movie in which the kids each chose one of the dinosaurs talked about in the movie to research and learn more about. They are taking notes over their research and will write and share a brief summary of what they've learned as well as draw or sculpt their dinosaur. I love that even when we are having a relaxing day, we still take the time to enjoy learning. This is why I love homeschooling! Enjoy!

This website was also a very helpful resource in learning more about the dinosaurs...

http://www.bbcearth.com/movies/walking-with-dinosaurs-the-movie#image-3965516


Below is the worksheet I made to go along with this movie. Feel free to copy and use for yourself
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Recharged from Fervent Chapter 5

This chapter of Fervent has really charged me spiritually. I realized through reading it that I allow Satan to distract me from who God has made me to be. Our true identity is revealed to us by God through His word and by His spirit that lives inside of us. I am so grateful to have Him to remind me of my true purpose and to reveal to me areas of my life that Satan is using to pull me away from God's intention for my life. Here's my prayer from this chapter...

DEAR LORD

I THANK YOU FOR THE PERSON THAT YOU HAVE MADE ME TO BE.  I THANK YOU FOR REVEALING THAT YOUR LOVE IS ENDLESS AND WILL NEVER FAIL. LORD I ASK YOUR FORGIVENESS FOR ALL THE TIMES THAT I HAVE FAILED TO BE THE PERSON THAT YOU HAVE MADE ME TO BE. I ALSO ASK FORGIVENESS FOR ALL THE EXCUSES I HAVE MADE IN AN EFFORT TO CONTINUE CUDDLING UP WITH MY SIN. LORD I THANK YOU FOR GIVING ME THE STRENGTH TO CONTINUE SEARCHING MY HEART FOR ALL AREAS THAT ARE NOT ALIGNED WITH WHO YOU WANT ME TO BE AND FOR HELPING ME REMOVE SIN FROM MY LIFE. PLEASE CONTINUE TO MAKE IN ME A CLEAN HEART LORD GOD. PLEASE CONTINUE TO PROTECT ME FROM THE ENEMY. I KNOW SATAN WANTS ME TO SUFFER FROM A CASE OF MISTAKEN IDENTITY BUT HE DOESN’T REALIZE THAT I AM ALIVE AND FREE AND EMPOWERED BY YOUR SPIRIT LORD. I KNOW I AM NO LONGER CHAINED TO THE PERSON I WAS OR THE SINS OF MY PAST BECAUSE THEY WERE ALL PAID FOR BY CHRISTS BLOOD, SETTING ME FREE. LORD I KNOW IN EPHESIANS IT SAYS I AM EQUIPPED, CHOSEN, HOLY AND BLAMELESS, ADOPTED, REDEEMED AND AN HEIR OF YOUR GREAT INHERITANCE. I THANK YOU FOR THE PROMISE OF ETERNAL LIFE LORD. PLEASE HELP ME CONTINUE TO BELIEVE AND SEE MY TRUE IDENTITY AND HELP ME USE THAT TO GLORIFY YOU AND FULFILL THE PURPOSE YOU HAVE FOR MY LIFE. HELP ME CONTINUE TO PUT ON YOUR BELT OF TRUTH AND TO STAY SUITED UP FOR SPIRITUAL BATTLE. HELP MY FAMILY AND THOSE I LOVE DO THE SAME LORD. I THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING YOU DO FOR ME AND THOSE I LOVE LORD. YOUR LOVE IS OVERWHELMINGLY BEAUTIFUL.

IN CHRISTS NAME I PRAY,

AMEN

An Autism Success Day

Most days are pretty successful but Autism still sometimes wins. Andrew has been fighting really hard lately to overcome some of his ticks and has had a great deal of self awareness for the last few months. We strive to get all of our kids to overcome any obstacles in life so its awesome seeing him doing this on his own. I guess I can't say fully on his own because he said he's been praying about it and God has been guiding him in this journey.

The other day I overheard a girl telling a friend that she had a crush on a boy. The girl asked her who and she pointed over at Andrew. My heart literally skipped a beat. Andrew is 13 years old and has a crush or two on a couple girls in the past but a girl has never really shown interest in him and he has some self-esteem issues because of that. Andrew really wants to have a family some day. He talks a lot about what kind of husband and father he will be when he grows up. There's a tiny part of me that fears that he won't be able to have his dream. I know our God is amazing and will overcome every obstacle with Andrew and he will have his family one day but to see this glimpse reminded me that one day there will be a woman that will see Andrew for his heart and for who he really is even with Autism.

That night I was praying with Andrew and we started talking about his future. I told him about the girl (I didn't tell who it was) and I told him that I was proud of how hard he is working to be the man God wants him to be. I also told him that I truly believe that God is going to bring him a wonderful Christian woman and that if he keeps relying on God that he will lead his family to do great things for Christ. We prayed for his future. Thanking God for letting others see our true selves and for God giving us strength to overcome every obstacle. Andrew had so much joy from the prayer and knowing that a girl had a crush on him.

Our family went outside to ride bikes yesterday. Andrew has never shown much desire to ride a bike, or even own one for that matter.  Andrew had rode a bike with training wheels when he was 6 or 7 but wasn't really interested much in that one either and refused to ride it after only a couple of days. After working with Megan, my 7 year old, on riding her bike without training wheels for a little while, Andrew started talking about trying to ride a bike. His brother, Tyler, offered to let him try out his bike. Andrew pushed off a few times, teetering to the side occasionally while trying to figure out how to balance. I didn't expect much since he has never rode a bike without training wheels at all. After 5 or 6 times of teetering side to side Andrew just took off. He rode all down the driveway, on the sidewalk, through the grass and anywhere else he could without putting his feet down at all. We were all in shock at how fast he picked it up. Needless to say we are going to go buy him his own bike later this week. He is so excited to go riding as a family.

I love how God sends us these unexpected surprises. We had already accepted that Andrew didn't want anything to do with bikes and yet here he is riding completely on his own the first day he tried it. God is so completely amazing!!!

I just finished Chapter 4 of Fervent and it was just as life changing. Satan has truly succeeded at stealing my focus far too many times. I never realized how often he uses me and distracts me into thinking I am at war with a person. When in reality he is using a person to steal my focus from battling the true enemy of this world! I realize today that when we see Satan as the true culprit in our problems it helps us contain our anger against people and instead we focus on fighting the real enemy. By fighting against people we are allowing Satan power over us. And that's just not ok. On top of that we are being unlovely to people that may or may not know Gods love and power. This is why it's so important to stay in prayer, so that you can maintain your focus on God and not be distracted by the enemy. Here's my prayer for today...

MY LORD, MY GOD, I EXALT THEE. I AM IN AWE OF YOUR AMAZING POWER AND HOW YOU SHOW ME DAILY OF YOUR UNCONDITIONAL LOVE FOR US. LORD I THANK YOU FOR LOVING ME LIKE THIS. I ASK YOUR FORGIVENESS FOR MY SINS AND THANK YOU FOR SENDING YOUR SON TO PAY MY PRICE. LORD I ASK YOU TO CONTINUE TO REMIND ME OF WHO THE REAL ENEMY IS WHEN I AM TROUBLED OR FEELING ATTACKED. I ASK FORGIVENESS FOR WASTING SO MUCH TIME BATTLING THE WRONG ENEMY AND FOR FAILING TO SHOW YOUR LOVE IN ALL WAYS. LORD PLEASE HELP THOSE THAT I MAY HAVE ACTED UNLOVELY TOWARD TO FORGIVE ME AND REVEAL TO ME IF THERE ARE STILL THOSE THAT I NEED TO ASK FOR THAT FORGIVENESS FROM. LORD, I THANK YOU FOR REVEALING TO ME ANOTHER WAY THAT SATAN TRIES TO SEPARATE ME FROM YOU. I KNOW FROM YOUR WORD THAT NOTHING EVER CAN SEPARATE US. I KNOW THAT I DON’T HAVE TO FIGHT THESE KINDS OF BATTLES BUT INSTEAD NEED ONLY TO FOCUS ON YOU. IT SAYS IN YOUR WORD THAT THOSE BATTLES ARE NOT MINE AND THAT YOU LORD ARE FAITHFUL AND WILL STRENGHTEN AND PROTECT ME FROM THE EVIL ONE. I CHOOSE TO FOCUS ON YOUR WILL AND TRUST IN YOU TO KEEP ME SAFE AND TO CONTINUE TO TRIUMP OVER DARKNESS. THANK YOU FOR REMINDING ME THAT THIS WAR HAS ALREADY BEEN WON. THANK YOU FOR FIGHTING SO HARD TO KEEP ME AND FOR HELPING ME GROW EVER CLOSER TO YOU.

I've been reading the book Fervent by Priscilla Shirer the past few days. Talk about recharging your soul; WOW! Today I read through chapter 3, which is about how Satan tries to dull your passion and uses the world, emotion, and so many other ways of disrupting and corrupting what God desires your passions to be. The Lord definitely convicted my heart on this one and reminded me of His amazing power! I refuse to stop feeding Satan's ego because I know my God is FAR more powerful than he will ever be! Here is my prayer from this reading...

DEAR HEAVENLY FATHER,

THANK YOU FOR LOVING ME. THANK YOU FOR RAISING ME AS YOUR CHILD AND ADOPTING ME INTO AN AMAZING FAMILY! THANK YOU FOR SHOWING ME THE TRUTH! LORD YOU ARE SO GOOD TO ME AND I AM SO UNDESERVING. PLEASE FORGIVE MY SIN LORD. FORGIVE ME FOR ALL THE TIMES I HAVE ALLOWED SATAN TO DULL MY PASSION AND FOR ALLOWING HIM TO USE ME TO DULL THE PASSION OF OTHERS. FORGIVE ME FOR LETTING SATAN THINK EVEN FOR A MOMENT THAT HE HAS EVEN A TINY SPECK OF POWER OVER YOU LORD. LORD YOU KNOW MY PASSIONS: MY FAMILY, CHILDREN, ESPECIALLY MY OWN, BUT MOSTLY THOSE HURTING LIKE HAVE LORD. PLEASE LORD HELP ME TO REMEMBER TO FIGHT THE TRUE ENEMY AND TO SHOW LOVE AND COMPASSION TO YOUR CHILDREN. REMIND ME LORD THAT PEOPLE LIVING IN SIN AND MAKING BAD CHOICES IS SATAN'S WAY OF DIMMING MY HOPE AND LORD HELP ME BE A LIGHT FOR YOUR SALVATION. LORD USE ME AS A VESSEL TO HELP OTHERS KNOW YOU BY MY WORDS AND ACTIONS. LET ME FOCUS ON LOVE, YOUR LOVE LORD, AND SHARING THAT LOVE WITH EVERY PERSON I COME IN CONTACT WITH. USE ME LORD AS YOUR SERVANT. HELP ME REMOVE MYSELF FROM EVERY SITUATION AND ONLY SPEAK YOUR WILL AND YOUR TRUTHS. STOP SATAN FROM DISTRACTING ME WITH PEOPLE AND THINGS AND HELP ME INSTEAD FOCUS ONLY ON WHAT YOU WANT FROM ME. HELP ME REMEMBER LORD THAT YOU WILL KEEP US AND TAKE CARE OF US FOR WE ARE YOURS. HELP ME REMEMBER THAT SATAN IS THE KING OF ALL LIES AND THAT YOU ARE THE WAY THE TRUTH AND THE LIFE. HELP ME STAY STRONG AND NOT GROW WEARY IN DOING GOOD FOR MY REWARD AWAITS WHEN I STAND BESIDE YOU IN HEAVEN LORD. I CLAIM ALL OF THESE PROMISES IN YOUR SONS HOLY AND PRECIOUS NAME LORD.

IN THE NAME OF JESUS,

AMEN