Sibling Rivalry

People ask me all the time how I managed to have 4 kids, all different ages that get along so well. I have a 13 year old girl, an 11 year old boy, an 8 year old boy and a 5 year old girl. I would be lying if I said my children never fight. They definitely have their share of disagreements. However, we try hard to help our children maintain good relationships with one another.

One of the things we have always told our kids is that God gave them each other as best friends! He chose them each to be in this family and to be siblings and best friends for the rest of their lives. Then when they treat each other disrespectfully or don't consider their siblings feelings, we simply ask them, "Is that how you treat a best friend?" Most of the time this helps them think about their behavior and they can correct it according to what God expects of them.

Another thing we have always done is making them stand nose to nose when their fighting gets out of control. They start in silence then after a minute they have to say I love you ten times, then they have to say 5 nice things about the other person. By the end they are usually smiling and laughing. We finish it off with hugs and explain again that they're each others best friends and that God expects them to treat others the way they want to be treated.

Another way I feel our children bond is through sharing rooms! I know people think children today need their own space. I disagree. I think as children they need to form bonds with their family. We do have a room they can go to for quiet time and have even let them go lay down in our room to get a break from each other on occasion but for the most part we want them to have the opportunity to form closer relationships. I hope this always works but as they enter the teen years we will rearrange rooms if necessary. Overall our girls tend to have a harder time with sharing space than our boys do. The boys are thrilled to share a room because they're so close in age and have the same likes. My 13 and 5 year old girls, however, are vastly different in every imaginable way. The fact that they are 8 years apart in age doesn't help matters but we always remind them that was part of God's plan. Megan, our youngest, is into baby dolls and my little pony. She loves to play dress up and have tea parties. She tends to crave attention from her siblings. Kate likes to do her own thing. She is a bit of a tomboy, she loves sports and running. She is really into books and loves to have a quiet place to read. Their common ground is most often found in books. Megan isn't as excited about books as Kate, who would live in a library if we let her, but she LOVES when her big sister reads to her. Kate reads a lot of chapter books so I often find them cuddling up on Kate's bed, Kate reading aloud and Megan listening intently. Luckily Kate loves a lot of the classics like Charlotte's Web and Stuart Little so they can almost always find something to read together.

When one of our children seems to be getting a little burnt out on constantly being bombarded with their siblings, we take a day out together, one on one with just mom or dad. Sometimes it's fishing, other times a hike at the state park or breakfast out. No matter what we do with them we make it a point to take time to talk to them about how vital their role is in the family. We tell our boys that God makes men to be protectors of women. We tell them that watching out for their sisters and using kind respectful words pleases God and shows everyone that your loving and caring. We tell our girls that we are proud that their growing up to be nurturing and loving and that God intends for women to be the peace makers and to help men see the beauty in things. We praise them all for being beautiful inside and out and we always try our best to reinforce the positive qualities they all have!

Each of these things contribute in their own way and it all somehow comes together to help our kids learn to love not just each other but also the Lord. They appreciate one another and have good self esteems because we praise their hard work. After all every relationship takes hard work, even sibling ones!

My husband; A Kingdom Man

My husband has become an amazing kingdom man. The last few months he has been apart of a men's group at our church that have been focused on learning to be kingdom men. It has been an enormous blessing! This bible study by Tony Evans along with God's convictions has made so many changes happen in him. We are spending time in God's word on a daily basis and he is the one leading the studies. He has made it a point to try and be a more attentive listener to not just me but to our children as well. Overall the changes have been amazing!

This past Sunday my husband Chris got up before me, which is already a big deal. On top of that he made chocolate chip muffins with our 13 year old daughter, taking special father daughter time together. Then he woke everyone else up and started getting all of the kids and himself ready for church! Let me just say that this has never happened!!! I was so completely thrilled by this enormous gesture! It's important however, to point out that he didn't do this for me. He did this because he has learned that God expects him to be the spiritual leader.

Most Sundays Chris is near impossible to wake up and get ready. I generally make breakfast, get all the kids ready and myself ready and we are still waiting for him to get his shoes on. I wake him up each day, he's a night shift worker so it's hard for him to wake up to an alarm. Especially on the weekends when he has to be a day person. However, on this day, he not only set an alarm but he woke up before it went off!

I find it amazing how him being the first person up made our whole morning go so much more smoothly! I wasn't stressed. My 13 year old daughter felt special and everyone was ready early!

The changes didn't stop there either. My husband also now makes it a point to pray with all of our children individually before he goes to work and the children go to bed. He use to yell for hugs and kisses from the door before he left. Now he goes to them instead giving them each an individual prayer of comfort and safety, thanking God for allowing us to be their parent and then gives them a hug and kiss goodnight. I see them smiling and have even seen some tears over this simple change in our daily routine.

In addition to all of this Chris has also made it a point to spend more time at the table. We don't just eat meals there anymore. The table is where our family meeting occurs. Where we make big announcements and where we discuss punishments.

Overall the changes have been tremendous and each one has had a HUGE impact on the way we all feel about each other, about him as a husband, father and spiritual leader and about God! I am so thankful God has brought this spirit of change into our lives and so very thankful for my loving kingdom man!

Teaching children to deal with anger...

How do you teach your children to deal with anger?

Sadly many adults as well as children have no idea of how to deal with anger in a healthy and respectful manner. Many parents allow their children to function as miniature volcanoes, allowing their anger to erupt at the drop of a hat. This sometimes includes the child using curse words, screaming at others, or even using physical violence. Other parents tend to react in the opposite manner, telling their children they're not allowed to be angry. They essentially expect their children to swallow their anger, giving them a sense of guilt for feeling the emotion in the first place. Both of these ways of dealing with anger tend to leave children with unresolved emotions. Often these carry into adulthood leaving them with anger they still have not learned how to deal with. This lack of resolution can leave them open for unhealthy relationships in which they do not know how to appropriately address their anger. They may become physically or mentally abusive in relationships or the product of an abusive relationship themselves. Some may just become door mats for others.

Just like every other aspect of parenting we must find a balance in how we address this issue. I find myself struggling to remember this at times; especially when it comes to my children being angry with me. Often I want to tell them they're not allowed or justified in their anger. It says in Ephesians 4:26 ""Be angry, and do not sin" do not let the sun go down on your wrath, nor give place to the devil." Notice how it does not say that you shouldn't allow yourself to get angry. Instead we are to teach our children and sometimes even ourselves that it is okay to get angry. We must work through our anger in a healthy manner. In parenting, that may mean just listening to your child's feelings.

My son Andrew is 11 years old. He has a tendency to get very angry, very fast, as many adolescence do. Sometimes I can calm him down by letting him tell me in a respectful manner what is making him angry. Other times he's so mad he needs to work out his emotions, he does this by getting on our elliptical most of the time. He essentially runs out the anger. I won't deny that on occasion I find myself shutting down his anger, only to realize it is never fully resolved and comes back out later in the day. As it says in the scripture, not teaching him to deal with this anger when it happens leaves the door open for the devil to use his anger to invoke wrath later in the day, further dividing him from his family. In these moments, I try my best to apologize for not helping him work through his anger when it originally occurred but I also encourage him to move forward with talking it through. I know as parents we often find ourselves not wanting to admit making mistakes but it's good for our children to see that even we make mistakes at times and when we do we also should ask forgiveness and learn from those mistakes.

Kate is my oldest, she's 13 now. Kate is nothing like Andrew. Much like in other families, all my children are very different personalities. Kate tends to bottle up her anger only to have it come out again later. She will try to act like she's not angry, failing to address the situation. It's hard at times to recognize her anger because she is so good at concealing it. When it finally comes out, it often does so abruptly in the form of hurtful words toward the offender, most often a sibling. Later when we talk it through we try to remind her that if she had addressed her anger initially then it wouldn't have built up so much.

No matter what happens during the day or what fights occur (we are a family of 6 so they definitely occur), at the end of the day our children always pray together and hug and kiss each other goodnight. We tell them regularly that they are meant to be each others best friends, that God gave them one another for life! As adults we are hoping this helps them to continue strong bonds with one another as well as with God.

Overall, I feel the most important part of teaching your children how to deal with anger is by being the example. Examining yourself is absolutely the first step. If you bottle up your anger, so will your children. If you react in anger, your children will react in anger as well. When my husband and I disagree on something we try talking it through in front of the kids (as long as it's a kid appropriate topic.) I know many feel children should never see parents argue but remember there's a difference between arguing and disagreeing. I truly feel all children need to see the appropriate manner to handle a disagreement with an adult. Those children that are visual learners especially, will learn more from watching you and your spouse successfully work through a disagreement in a loving and respectful manner. The healthy resolution of feelings will give them a sense of security and also show them that they're not wrong to feel angry. It is what they do with those feelings that truly matters! 

Andrews future family??

Andrew is my 11 year old. He happens to have a diagnosis of classic autism. Lately I find myself so distracted by his possible future. I know God is in control of what will happen and yet I can't seem to stop worrying! A friend of mine has a little girl the same age as Andrew. This little girl was the subject of Andrews first ever crush. Andrew talked about her all the time, saying how one day he would marry her. One day I ran into her mom in walmart and told her how sweet I thought this was. She responded telling me that she thought the same. Then, with nothing but good intentions, she said her daughter had asked if one day Andrew would ever be able to support her or support a family. Of course, I responded stating he could do anything he put his mind to! I have replayed her words a thousand times now. They have plagued me many, many nights for over a year now. I know the mom was not saying Andrew would never be able to support a family but it opened my mind to the possibility that he may not be able to have this dream! Andrew is very high functioning; however, there are certain set backs that he still struggles to overcome. I want to say I am confident that one day he will have his own family but in truth I am not! I feel awful that I doubt his ability to overcome! I feel like a bad mom for not having confidence in him! I know I have to face certain realities but who says that if we don't truly have faith that God will not make everyone of his dreams a possibility??? I know I need to fully give this to God! Praying for strength to let it go!