How do you teach your children to deal with anger?
Sadly many adults as well as children have no idea of how to deal with anger in a healthy and respectful manner. Many parents allow their children to function as miniature volcanoes, allowing their anger to erupt at the drop of a hat. This sometimes includes the child using curse words, screaming at others, or even using physical violence. Other parents tend to react in the opposite manner, telling their children they're not allowed to be angry. They essentially expect their children to swallow their anger, giving them a sense of guilt for feeling the emotion in the first place. Both of these ways of dealing with anger tend to leave children with unresolved emotions. Often these carry into adulthood leaving them with anger they still have not learned how to deal with. This lack of resolution can leave them open for unhealthy relationships in which they do not know how to appropriately address their anger. They may become physically or mentally abusive in relationships or the product of an abusive relationship themselves. Some may just become door mats for others.
Just like every other aspect of parenting we must find a balance in how we address this issue. I find myself struggling to remember this at times; especially when it comes to my children being angry with me. Often I want to tell them they're not allowed or justified in their anger. It says in Ephesians 4:26 ""Be angry, and do not sin" do not let the sun go down on your wrath, nor give place to the devil." Notice how it does not say that you shouldn't allow yourself to get angry. Instead we are to teach our children and sometimes even ourselves that it is okay to get angry. We must work through our anger in a healthy manner. In parenting, that may mean just listening to your child's feelings.
My son Andrew is 11 years old. He has a tendency to get very angry, very fast, as many adolescence do. Sometimes I can calm him down by letting him tell me in a respectful manner what is making him angry. Other times he's so mad he needs to work out his emotions, he does this by getting on our elliptical most of the time. He essentially runs out the anger. I won't deny that on occasion I find myself shutting down his anger, only to realize it is never fully resolved and comes back out later in the day. As it says in the scripture, not teaching him to deal with this anger when it happens leaves the door open for the devil to use his anger to invoke wrath later in the day, further dividing him from his family. In these moments, I try my best to apologize for not helping him work through his anger when it originally occurred but I also encourage him to move forward with talking it through. I know as parents we often find ourselves not wanting to admit making mistakes but it's good for our children to see that even we make mistakes at times and when we do we also should ask forgiveness and learn from those mistakes.
Kate is my oldest, she's 13 now. Kate is nothing like Andrew. Much like in other families, all my children are very different personalities. Kate tends to bottle up her anger only to have it come out again later. She will try to act like she's not angry, failing to address the situation. It's hard at times to recognize her anger because she is so good at concealing it. When it finally comes out, it often does so abruptly in the form of hurtful words toward the offender, most often a sibling. Later when we talk it through we try to remind her that if she had addressed her anger initially then it wouldn't have built up so much.
No matter what happens during the day or what fights occur (we are a family of 6 so they definitely occur), at the end of the day our children always pray together and hug and kiss each other goodnight. We tell them regularly that they are meant to be each others best friends, that God gave them one another for life! As adults we are hoping this helps them to continue strong bonds with one another as well as with God.
Overall, I feel the most important part of teaching your children how to deal with anger is by being the example. Examining yourself is absolutely the first step. If you bottle up your anger, so will your children. If you react in anger, your children will react in anger as well. When my husband and I disagree on something we try talking it through in front of the kids (as long as it's a kid appropriate topic.) I know many feel children should never see parents argue but remember there's a difference between arguing and disagreeing. I truly feel all children need to see the appropriate manner to handle a disagreement with an adult. Those children that are visual learners especially, will learn more from watching you and your spouse successfully work through a disagreement in a loving and respectful manner. The healthy resolution of feelings will give them a sense of security and also show them that they're not wrong to feel angry. It is what they do with those feelings that truly matters!
Sadly many adults as well as children have no idea of how to deal with anger in a healthy and respectful manner. Many parents allow their children to function as miniature volcanoes, allowing their anger to erupt at the drop of a hat. This sometimes includes the child using curse words, screaming at others, or even using physical violence. Other parents tend to react in the opposite manner, telling their children they're not allowed to be angry. They essentially expect their children to swallow their anger, giving them a sense of guilt for feeling the emotion in the first place. Both of these ways of dealing with anger tend to leave children with unresolved emotions. Often these carry into adulthood leaving them with anger they still have not learned how to deal with. This lack of resolution can leave them open for unhealthy relationships in which they do not know how to appropriately address their anger. They may become physically or mentally abusive in relationships or the product of an abusive relationship themselves. Some may just become door mats for others.
Just like every other aspect of parenting we must find a balance in how we address this issue. I find myself struggling to remember this at times; especially when it comes to my children being angry with me. Often I want to tell them they're not allowed or justified in their anger. It says in Ephesians 4:26 ""Be angry, and do not sin" do not let the sun go down on your wrath, nor give place to the devil." Notice how it does not say that you shouldn't allow yourself to get angry. Instead we are to teach our children and sometimes even ourselves that it is okay to get angry. We must work through our anger in a healthy manner. In parenting, that may mean just listening to your child's feelings.
My son Andrew is 11 years old. He has a tendency to get very angry, very fast, as many adolescence do. Sometimes I can calm him down by letting him tell me in a respectful manner what is making him angry. Other times he's so mad he needs to work out his emotions, he does this by getting on our elliptical most of the time. He essentially runs out the anger. I won't deny that on occasion I find myself shutting down his anger, only to realize it is never fully resolved and comes back out later in the day. As it says in the scripture, not teaching him to deal with this anger when it happens leaves the door open for the devil to use his anger to invoke wrath later in the day, further dividing him from his family. In these moments, I try my best to apologize for not helping him work through his anger when it originally occurred but I also encourage him to move forward with talking it through. I know as parents we often find ourselves not wanting to admit making mistakes but it's good for our children to see that even we make mistakes at times and when we do we also should ask forgiveness and learn from those mistakes.
Kate is my oldest, she's 13 now. Kate is nothing like Andrew. Much like in other families, all my children are very different personalities. Kate tends to bottle up her anger only to have it come out again later. She will try to act like she's not angry, failing to address the situation. It's hard at times to recognize her anger because she is so good at concealing it. When it finally comes out, it often does so abruptly in the form of hurtful words toward the offender, most often a sibling. Later when we talk it through we try to remind her that if she had addressed her anger initially then it wouldn't have built up so much.
No matter what happens during the day or what fights occur (we are a family of 6 so they definitely occur), at the end of the day our children always pray together and hug and kiss each other goodnight. We tell them regularly that they are meant to be each others best friends, that God gave them one another for life! As adults we are hoping this helps them to continue strong bonds with one another as well as with God.
Overall, I feel the most important part of teaching your children how to deal with anger is by being the example. Examining yourself is absolutely the first step. If you bottle up your anger, so will your children. If you react in anger, your children will react in anger as well. When my husband and I disagree on something we try talking it through in front of the kids (as long as it's a kid appropriate topic.) I know many feel children should never see parents argue but remember there's a difference between arguing and disagreeing. I truly feel all children need to see the appropriate manner to handle a disagreement with an adult. Those children that are visual learners especially, will learn more from watching you and your spouse successfully work through a disagreement in a loving and respectful manner. The healthy resolution of feelings will give them a sense of security and also show them that they're not wrong to feel angry. It is what they do with those feelings that truly matters!
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