Never good enough; depression and me.

I have struggled with depression for most of my adult life. I spent years on anti-depressants/ anti-anxiety medication. I told myself that I didn't want to be stuck on pills the rest of my life and no longer take them. I told myself that God will get me through anything so I don't need the medicine. For years I have been able to handle my depression/ anxiety on my own. On days like today though, I wonder if not using the medicine is the right decision.

This week, I have had a LOT on my plate. I balanced a number of big activities and was in charge of getting a lot of things done. After working all hours to make these events the best I could, I found myself being criticized by friends over silly little errors. Normally I can shake stuff like this off, but this week my self-doubt is at an all time high. I can't help but feel like I am never going to be good enough. Growing up, my family struggled to show unconditional love. There were clear favorites amongst me and my siblings and we were often pitted against each other in an effort to win our parents affection. I don't think my parents were aware that they did this and I definitely don't hold any feelings of anger toward them over it. Mostly because as an adult I have realized that they also were raised this way. Unfortunately, because of how I was raised and because of my anxiety/ depression issues I have MAJOR struggles with rejection. Criticism on a bad week breaks me down to complete vulnerability. I recognize this, thankfully, and generally try to isolate myself from social media and from being around people that may trigger those feelings. I know that this is MY issue! I hate that I can't control it or "fix" myself. I hate that when I start to feel depressed that my insecurities take over and that no matter what I do or how hard I work, I still allow myself to believe that I will never be good enough. People think I am so strong. They don't know inside that I am really broken and hurting. I pray that God will one day take this burden from me and that I can then feel whole :(

Fervant Chapter 7: Satan stop trying to use my past against me!!!

WOW! Lord I am blown away by your mightiness! You took a time of extreme self-doubt and hurting and turned it into a chance to grow even closer to you. Lord I ask your forgiveness for my gluttony and sloth. I have lived so long defeated telling myself that I am not good enough and that I am defeated. I have believed that I am too far gone for any hope because I have allowed myself to get this far. Lord somehow I forgot that you are stronger and more mighty than any obstacle that Satan may put in my path or that I have allowed to consume me for so long. Lord please forgive me for failing to see this sooner. Today's chapter of Fervant reminded me that I no longer have to live as the girl who is not good enough, not skinny enough or not loved unconditionally. Because I know with great confidence that you see me as beautifully and wonderfully made and you love without condition. I refuse to give Satan any further power over this issue. I will no longer focus on the identity that others have tried and still sometimes try to convince me existed in me for so long. God, I know you have already forgiven my sins of gluttony and sloth and I am so grateful for that. I know that you want me to use my past mistakes and all the hurt that has come with them to be an amazing testimony for You. I choose to walk through this season of my life trusting in Your forgiveness because you have made me an overcomer. I will overcome the label my friends and family placed on me and that I began placing on myself; I will allow only You to define who I am and I will stop believing any of the labels that others may place on me. You created me with purpose, for something much bigger than anyone can ever comprehend. I will use my past as a stepping stone that will only lift me higher and closer to you. I will use my experience to equip my children and others with scripture and knowledge so they can avoid falling into Satan’s trap that he tried to set for me so long ago. I can feel Satan squirming knowing that you have already given me the tools to win this victory. I will live with the knowledge that you have given me from 2Corinthians 5:17 I will remember that with you in my life that I am a new creature, the old has passed away and new things have come! Thank you Lord for giving me this knowledge today and reminding me that I am forgiven and made new. I will make sure I live like that from now on! I pray these things in Jesus Christ's holy and precious name, AMEN.