I have struggled with depression for most of my adult life. I spent years on anti-depressants/ anti-anxiety medication. I told myself that I didn't want to be stuck on pills the rest of my life and no longer take them. I told myself that God will get me through anything so I don't need the medicine. For years I have been able to handle my depression/ anxiety on my own. On days like today though, I wonder if not using the medicine is the right decision.
This week, I have had a LOT on my plate. I balanced a number of big activities and was in charge of getting a lot of things done. After working all hours to make these events the best I could, I found myself being criticized by friends over silly little errors. Normally I can shake stuff like this off, but this week my self-doubt is at an all time high. I can't help but feel like I am never going to be good enough. Growing up, my family struggled to show unconditional love. There were clear favorites amongst me and my siblings and we were often pitted against each other in an effort to win our parents affection. I don't think my parents were aware that they did this and I definitely don't hold any feelings of anger toward them over it. Mostly because as an adult I have realized that they also were raised this way. Unfortunately, because of how I was raised and because of my anxiety/ depression issues I have MAJOR struggles with rejection. Criticism on a bad week breaks me down to complete vulnerability. I recognize this, thankfully, and generally try to isolate myself from social media and from being around people that may trigger those feelings. I know that this is MY issue! I hate that I can't control it or "fix" myself. I hate that when I start to feel depressed that my insecurities take over and that no matter what I do or how hard I work, I still allow myself to believe that I will never be good enough. People think I am so strong. They don't know inside that I am really broken and hurting. I pray that God will one day take this burden from me and that I can then feel whole :(
This week, I have had a LOT on my plate. I balanced a number of big activities and was in charge of getting a lot of things done. After working all hours to make these events the best I could, I found myself being criticized by friends over silly little errors. Normally I can shake stuff like this off, but this week my self-doubt is at an all time high. I can't help but feel like I am never going to be good enough. Growing up, my family struggled to show unconditional love. There were clear favorites amongst me and my siblings and we were often pitted against each other in an effort to win our parents affection. I don't think my parents were aware that they did this and I definitely don't hold any feelings of anger toward them over it. Mostly because as an adult I have realized that they also were raised this way. Unfortunately, because of how I was raised and because of my anxiety/ depression issues I have MAJOR struggles with rejection. Criticism on a bad week breaks me down to complete vulnerability. I recognize this, thankfully, and generally try to isolate myself from social media and from being around people that may trigger those feelings. I know that this is MY issue! I hate that I can't control it or "fix" myself. I hate that when I start to feel depressed that my insecurities take over and that no matter what I do or how hard I work, I still allow myself to believe that I will never be good enough. People think I am so strong. They don't know inside that I am really broken and hurting. I pray that God will one day take this burden from me and that I can then feel whole :(
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